Fear

When my son was born 14 months ago, a fear crept up that I didn’t know I had. It is the fear of repeating my family’s brokenness in this new family I’ve created with my husband.

I’m not a product of divorce, as one might think. In fact my parents were great, they love(d) Jesus, loved one another and the five of us kids. They raised us to be strong, independent people who loved the Lord. While my parents certainly weren’t perfect (because, who is?), I have a positive view of them. I love, forgive, and accept them in spite of their shortcomings. I thought my siblings had the same viewpoint.

It wasn’t until my father unexpectedly died in 2005, that my family fractured in many ways. At the time, I was sixteen with one younger sister and three adult siblings. Soon after people stopped speaking to one another. We were all broken. A phrase that comes to mind is “Hurt people, hurt people.” Boy, is that true! I still work at understanding intricacies of what happened with each relationship break down. Because, fourteen years later, a lot of the same arguments and hurts are brought up. My family hasn’t been in the same room as one another in nearly eight years. While a small part of that is because we are spread out through three different states and three different countries. The bigger part is because relationships have yet to be reconciled.

The church has taught that if your children accept Christ, you’re a successful parent. Not much else matters. While four out of five of us kids claim Jesus as our savior, as a unit we are a terrible representation of who Christ is.

This is where the fear sets in…I begin asking myself, is teaching my child about Jesus enough? Is their salvation real? Is this all my responsibility? How do I facilitate a family dynamic of love, grace, and forgiveness? What if my child cannot forgive me, or one of their siblings, and it results in estrangement?

While I have mostly come to a place of peace that a lot is out of my control. Some of these questions still persist.

A friend included a Nelson Mandela quote in her vows a couple years ago that hit me in the gut “May your choices reflect your hopes, and not your fears”. Between that and some intense professional counseling, I realized parts of my life were marked by fear and my coping mechanism was to be cautious—control, and plan, to avoid a negative outcome.

My hope and prayer is that the pattern ends with my generation. That our son, and future children, would come to a true salvation and their lives would reflect Jesus. That our home is filled with a love that brings forth healthy relationships, boundaries, kindness, grace, and forgiveness.

For many of us who have lost loved ones, be it to death or other circumstances, the holidays can be especially difficult. My prayer is that someone reading this resonates with me. Though we may not have the same story line, loss is loss. Many of us experience it, but we often don’t talk about it. Know that you’re not alone in pain and loneliness around the holidays. Instagram photos don’t show a complete picture of family dynamics. And you’re not the only one with a broken family.

Be encouraged and know the truth is, we can change the trajectory of our families.

For God has not given us a Spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and self-control.

2 Timothy 1:7